Her little head is snuggled in the crook of my arm. Mouth wide open with sleepy eyes fluttering behind thick black eye lashes. She is dreaming contently as I stare at her sweet face. I catch myself studying her. She has grown so much. Her cheeks are starting to get chubby. And, oh how her giggles and big toothless grin brighten even the worst of days! I find myself forgetting that she is not mine. I was not planning on loving her so much.
It’s been 4 months since this little one became a part of my heart. Four beautiful and yet broken months. Some days I smile so much my cheeks hurt! But, other days my heart literally aches. I can feel my heart clinching tight…trying to somehow protect itself from the inevitable shattering that looms constantly over our every days. Some days the roller coaster of emotions bring me spiraling down into such sadness. Some days I feel so unfit to say goodbye. How will I ever be able to give her back? This is harder than I thought it would be. I do not know what I thought before, but whatever it was, I didn’t have a clue.
But, as I reel from the thoughts of the possibility of losing this precious little person, I cannot help but feel God’s heart whispering into mine. I think about how He sobbed in agony over what He was called to do. The burden so heavy that He literally sweated blood. How His heart must of ached knowing He would be betrayed, denied, tortured, and crucified. And, yet staring into a future of immeasurable suffering, He still chose love. He chose us despite the pain. In a way, I have been called to do the same.
We are all called to live out the Gospel in our own lives. Our crosses are not all the same, but all crosses carry some hurt. They can be messy, painful, and broken. But, the beauty of the Gospel is that it did not end at the cross. And, our own crosses are also not the end. Though our freedom was bought with a love steeped in suffering and tears, the repercussions of Christ crucified and his resurrection changed everything. No longer do we stare into a future of hopelessness, because no matter what sufferings we may have to endure in this life, we know that in Christ we have already overcome. There will be a glorious victory of lives changed and redeemed at the end of this race we call life. These trials and tests that we walk through are difficult. But, we can trust that if we choose love, God will take our humble offerings and use our weak hearts to change lives and redeem others. To Jesus, the hard was a price worth paying because His love was stronger than the pain. And, as I stare into these little brown eyes as she awakes and flashes me that little gummy grin, I get it. It’s worth every tear.